Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mad Verbal Skilz

Back in college I gave up cursing...Through a series of events, I was convinced that I could do better than dropping an "F-bomb", shouting "sonuvab****", or yelling about stuff that comes out of a cow's backside...

So instead I have developed my own brand of expletives. Usually verbalized on the golf course or when I burn myself cooking dinner...

There is the ever present Fred Flintstone (stolen and adapted from my buddy Steve) "Ratchet fratchet fritzer fratz"...

The elevating of livestock "SonuvaMotherlessGoat"...

The invoking of religion "She-ite Muslim"...

Further use of the animal kingdom and their potty behavior "Mother Frog, piece of pooh"...

The old standby "doggonit"...

And my personal favorite "Fart knocker".

Go ahead, shout them...let it out with authority...you will see how nicely they roll off the tongue and how much more culturally acceptable they are...well, except the She-ite part, but it does fit nicely sometimes.


I have been known to sprinkle in a "bastard" or "rat bastard" from time to time.


My friend Jeremy loves to get me angry...he says it sounds like "Big-Bird Cussing".


It is interesting, however, how much power we give words. Are any of the above better than actually dropping some old-fashioned four letter words? Not really much difference, but our culture says so, so I must play the game. People at church appreciate it and it is a great conversation starter with others...


In Virginia Beach, Virginia (where Claire and I hang out), there is actually a No Cussing rule on the boardwalk...You can see signs, just like the one above, all along the waterfront. I love them!


for a different kind of girl said...

I'm a bit of a fan of 'rat bastard.' Especially when it's said with a British accent. Seems to sell it with enthusiasm!

April said...

I admire your self control. It will come in so handy when you have kids. I do occasionally let the swear words fly, but I limit myself to the PG rated ones and not in front of the kids. I used to spell a lot but when my younger son was two and dropped his ice cream and said "Oh ess aych eye tee!" I figured it was time to come up with a new expletive. Shiite Muslim is a good one, also Shitake Mushroom.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Rat bastard is the best! It's my personal favorite.

And I'm honored wieners make you think of me!!! :)

Hallie ;)

rs27 said...

I prefer a holy schnikies! Gets 'em every time.

Kelly said...

I would have bet good money that sign was at a ball park! Personally, I'm fond of "Jesus H Christ", but now having a child in Catholic School, that is not a good one anymore.

I usually have a potty mouth. I just can't help it!

Katelin said...

you remind me of the orbit commercials "you lint licker!", haha. i love it.

Coffee Bean said...

Even in my wilder days, I couldn't swear. As a teenager I once let some choice words fly in front of my mom... as a bit of a challenge to see what she'd do. I was mad. She stood there with her mouth agape and then looked over at my brother... and then they both started howling. Then my mom told me I couldn't swear and kept repeating what I said over and over in an annoying baby voice. I didn't swear around her again.

One of my husband's college roommates actually fell on the floor laughing while pointing at me when I swore in front of him.

That is all not to say I don't ever swear. I do. Especially last summer when we did an extensive remodel. Ugh. My husband doesn't like it because I've gotten better at it over the years. I used to always tell him, "Profanity is a weak mind trying to express itself forcefully." He hated that.

My mom always said, "Shite" when I was a kid. It makes me laugh when I think about it.

My husband's grandma always said, "goody goody goody." and his grandpa said, "Son of a pup."

My grandma was a bit racy. I caught her saying, "You old horse's hang down!" to my grandpa one day.

Sometimes I say,"Big fat furry puppies!" and then I laugh at myself.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Fart knocker! That's awesome!

WILLIAM said...

Batter man than me in the not cursing department.

Becky said...

Can I get one of those no cussing signs for my kids' rooms! :)

I told you in my blog that my four year old said "shut the hell up" to her baby brother. UGH!

I love Coffee Bean and her "You old Horses hang down!" HAHAHAHAHA

I personally am fond of my grandpa and his famous one: "Son of a betcha thought I was gonna swear!"

Silly, I know but so was he.

The Maid

Amy said...

You rock. I need to try some of these!

McSwain said...

I like these! Fortunately, I had a transition between my life in the theatre (too much cursing) and life as an elementary school teacher. Because it would be WAY too easy to let the wrong word slip out some days.

I like your creative curses. Hope you don't mind if I borrow one some time.

PracticallyJoe said...

OH! "FU-dge"! I "FREEKIN" forgot what I was gonna say! I guess I'll just "SHUT THE F-ront door!"

Narm said...

Wow - I haven't said fart knocker in years. I have to admit I have missed it.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Wieners remind you of me yet knowing what kind of thong I wear freaks you out? :)

And Airman Shmoops already knows about mom's thong fetish. He did laundy once in awhile before enlisting and saw a thong now and again. Plus, those little guys have a way of hiding out in the clean fitted sheets...only to be unearthed when you make the bed!


kimmy said...

Love this post! I try not to swear too, but I am not always successful!

Btw - where do you go to watch spring training? We went down to Fort Myers, FL to watch the Red Sox last year and had an awesome time! Hey, did you happen to see Jon Lester's no-hitter the other night? AMAZING!!!!


kpellatiro said...

To all of Virginia Beach - I am bidding on one of those signs. Send me one with a bill, I'm all for it. You've @#$% earned it.

Phyllis Renée said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Phyllis Renée said...

Those are some good substitutes. Some of my own are: For little mistakes -- "oh poodles!" or "pooh fart!" When a little more upset "fudge apples!" works well; and when just down right mad it's "
Got dander and some of it itches!" (Ya gotta say it real fast, though, so it sounds right.)

Ok, Where Was I? said...

Mad skilz indeed! I have to say, I like your personal favorite. Sounds special. My six year old (after he stopped saying the F word after a brief trial period) gets his from Spongebob and a Tom and Jerry movie: Barnacles! and Sweet Mother of Pearl!

Bogart in P Towne said...

DKG - it is fantastic

April - Thanks...but it is second nature now.

WWoW - Yup, Wieners = Hallie

rs27 - Old School

Kelly - I wish signs like that were more common

Katelin - Not sure if I love or hate those commercials

Coffee - I love your mother's tactic

CH - It feels good to yell out...go ahead, try it...I'll wait.

William - Not better, just different

Becky - The stickers are $5

Amy - Thanks

McSwain - Use away. I think some are catchy.

Joe - golfing with you would be fun

Narm - Classics never die, they just wait to be brought back in style.

WWoW - Still disturbed

Kimmy - We fly to Phoenix every year. It is great!

KP - One is on the way

Phyllis - I like those, but if I used them it would be a little too cutsy...I fear that I would have to turn in my man card...oh, who am I kidding, I turned that in years ago.

OK - A 6 year old dropping an F-Bomb is a little disturbing. But funny.

Stacie said...

oh man, good for you...sometimes though situations warrant a good f-bomb or two (or three).

Leigh Ann said...

*lol* That's funny. I want one of those signs in my kitchen.

Another favorite of mine, which I didn't want to include in my entry, was Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

get it? WTF.

I love that one cuz I can say it around my dad and he has no clue...