Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ninja Training Saved My Life

Walking in the grocery store last week, ended in what would have been a disaster if not for my ninja training taking hold...

As Claire and I walked out of Food Lion with our packages of Jello Pudd'n and Celery Sticks, I walked a little to close to the automatic sliding door. The locking mechanism latched onto my belt loop and pulled me...yes, I had managed to hook myself to the automatic door.

As I was being pulled, off my feet, to the right, my 7th degree training in the Ninja Arts kicked in. I leapt into the air, completed a very difficult 1 1/2 Shiatsu flip, took off my pants, unhooked them from the door and put them back on...

I was so fast that no one noticed I was wearing Calvin Klein Boxer Briefs...It was Ninja-rific.


So I was watching Governor Rod Blagojavich on the View Monday. Two very profound things struck me:

1. Dude is a wack job. Totally and completely off his rocker.

2. I was watching the View. It made me feel dirty. It was like I put on someone else's underwear...I had to shower. I think I may have to shower, just thinking about it again.

I was recently notified of the similarities between Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog...but until I saw this, I had no idea.

Come to think of it, I have never seen them both in the same place at the same time...hmmmm.


***EDIT 12:03PM***

Per William's request:

Monday, January 26, 2009

Taking Off the Orange Robe

Sarah is asked to draw what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She turns in the following…..

Below is her mother’s letter to the teacher.

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah’s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.


Mrs. Piccolo

Friday, January 23, 2009

Snow Club 2009

Last weekend, we went Skiing with the Club Snow from Norfolk Christian High. We had a very good time...I had not been skiing since 2005, Claire had NEVER been...We had a good time. I got reacquainted and Claire was introduced to the power of the Two Plank.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Marathon Pics and a Top 5 List

The Top 5 Things Said by yours truely during the Disney Race and 1/2 Goofy's Challenge:

5. I will feel better when I get a chance to suck out the goo.
4. I have rashes in places that would be good to have if I were in prison.
3. I need to make sure I lube up my crack and my nipples.
2. If you stand in the exaust of that motor, you should be able to stay warm.
1. I think my nipples are gone.


Here are some promised shots of the marathon...

They had a great expo that Claire and I hit up the day before the 1/2 marathon...we bought goo and power blocks and we picked up our Goofy Challenge gear...the power of positive thinking. We spent $100 on two sweatshirts that said we ran the races, so we better finish!

This is the morning of the 1/2 marathon (Saturday). Holy Crap was it cold!!!

There were plenty of photo ops during the race...the princess castle, and the mariachi band were my two favorites.

At the finish line, we were still smiling...13.1 miles? No problem...


Waking up on Sunday for the full marathon (another 3am adventure) made me question my sanity and Claire's ability to make wise decisions...after all, it was her idea to do this stupid I look happy? No. But Claire just played the cute card.

But we found our rhythm and discovered that we could still smile, whether it was mile 8 (where my foot pain made me limp the rest of the way), mile 15 (where my nipples had rubbed raw), mile 24 (where Claire's blisters became unbearably painful) or even mile 26.2 when we were exhausted and 1/2 dead...but we did it and we are proud of our accomplishment.

Monday, January 19, 2009

12-Days Completed...

To complete the 12-Days of Christmas, Claire was wonderful...each day I got a new gift and they were:

12 Drummers Drumming - 12 Drumsticks, the ice cream variety, in all different flavors, including my personal favorite, Chocolate Mint.

Eleven Pipers Piping - Wii Music

Ten Lords a Leaping - 10 packages of coffee (you know, for me, the lord of my house, the caffeine gets me leaping!)

Nine Ladies Dancing - Nine pairs of new socks with a copy of Dirty Dancing.

Eight Maids a Milking - Eight different types of Milk Chocolate, my favorite!

Seven Swans a Swimming - Seven packages of different flavors of goldfish surrounded by bubble bath.


And for good measure, I also get a King Cake in the mail to celebrate the Epiphany, the final day of Christmas...Wowwee was it good...filled with Coconut. Another of my favorite things!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Enduro Pro

Whew...what a run. I think I am still sweating and breathing hard.

I do know that I am sitting here with bruises on the balls of both feet and shallow, painful blisters on my right heel.

But we finished...1/2 marathon (13.1 miles) on Saturday. Very cold 3am wake-up call. 20,000 runners. There were big ones and little ones, young ones and old ones, one with a walker and at least one with a prosthetic leg (yes, we beat her and the old-man walker dude...but just barely.) This race was particularly difficult for me. I was sick, fighting a fever and making sure the pepto was not far away...I did not want to end up like this dude (warning, not for the feint of heart or stomach).

The full marathon (26.2 miles) was attacked and finished on Sunday. The 3am wake-up call was just as early, but not as cold. I had cold sweats all night and was not feeling great, but popping Tylenol immediately and keeping it coming every 6 miles allowed me to be in a much better mood for the longer run.

It was a good feeling to finish. We were sore and had bruises/blisters, but we were done and had accomplished something very few have. We are proud of that.


Claire and I are off to the mountains for the weekend with a couple of friends and a bus load of High School seniors. Skiing is on the docket, but so is teaching about the flammability of powdered creamer and flatulence.


Thanks for the words of worry that I had not posted in a week. We are alive and will have more next week...including some pictures (gotta make mom and soon-to-be mom-in-law happy) and the Top 10 things I said during the runs...I promise to include words like nipples, grundle and jiggliness.

I also promise to finish the last 6 days from the 12-Days of Christmas gifts that Claire gave me.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Goofy...Who's Goofy? We are Goofy.

Last night, Claire and I boarded a flight for Orlando.

We flew down because we are glutton for punishment...or we are just idiots.

On Saturday morning we will be boarding a bus at 330am to go to Disney!! Woohoo...Disney.

Unfortunately it will be to run 13.1 miles. We will be back in the hotel room by 9am, catching up on our sleep.

Then on Sunday morning, we are GOING TO DISNEY!!! At 330am to run 26.2miles.

This Disney Goofy Challenge...a marathon and 1/2 in 2 days. We are dumb.

How is your weekend looking?


Congrats to my New Real Life Friend William at Poop and Boogies...

He and his wife Lauren had a beautiful baby boy this week.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Curious Case of a Weak Film

Claire, my sister Jessica and I went to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Monday night. ***Warning...some spoilers below***

It is up for all kinds of awards, including the Golden Globe "Best Picture" nomination.

Did I miss something? It is a bad Forrest Gump.

Man is afflicted. Man sees the world. Man bumps into fantastical people and has fantastical journeys. Man goes to war, makes a friend, looses a friend. Man inherits a business, makes lots of money, gives it away. Man gets girl pregnant and worries the baby will be sick like him.

I could go on and on with the similarities.

Wait, did someone just say that the screen writer of Forrest Gump was also the lead writer for this movie...ahhh it is all making sense now.

Look, the characters are not likable. They are selfish, self-loathing and nasty little people. None of us were rooting for them.

I am bummed, because I thought I was going to see a good movie. Instead, I got a lecture about making lemonade out of lemons and that there is comfort in sleeping around.

I think I will go watch the real Forrest Gump.


After writing this, I found a little "name that film" write-up...maybe I should be a reviewer.

For the record, according to Claire who did grow up in SE Louisiana and might know a thing or two about accents, the actors was terrible.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Meeting My Internet Boyfriend

When our eyes met as I pulled into the parking space, it was unmistakable.

The salt-n-pepper beard. The eye lashes that most super models would kill for. And the eyes...ohhh the eyes. Any lingering doubt was put to rest when he opened his mouth to speak and what flowed out was an educated, Rocky Balboa accent.

It was him. It was my Internet Boyfriend.


Last weekend Claire and I drove to Philadelphia to take in the sites. Why we choose to head north in the winter (Remember Chicago in November? It snowed on us during a run for goodness sake.) I still don't exactly know, but we had a great time.

We did the Cheesesteak Challenge, pitting Pat's against Geno's (Pat's was so much better!), we ran the Rocky Steps and posed for a picture with his statute. We ate dim sum at a hole in the wall by the bus station in China Town, found our wedding rings at Jeweler's Row and even ate at a Zagat Rated, Kosher Israeli restaurant.


He was not as tall as I thought, though most people are not, but he was still my blogging man.

We shook hands. It didn't linger. That is a good thing. Then we sat down. Scrapple and wheat toast was on the menu. We snapped pictures. Reminisced like old friends. Laughed. Sighed. Dreamed.


Philly is a cool city. I don't think I could live there, but it was fun to visit. Of course we saw Constitution Hall, the Liberty Bell, Thomas Jefferson's grave and Betsy Ross' house. We walked down the oldest residential alley in the nation and went to a bustle of museums.

One thing that Claire and I noticed...everyone in Philly was helpful, nice and courtious, outside of their cars. When they drive, it is like a battle zone, but outside of the car, they were wonderful people. So much better than their reputation. This is the city that boo'ed Santa for goodness sake.

The 2 1/2 hours went by like lightning. It was too short a meeting, but their were sites to see, babies to deliver and children to care for.

We shook hands as we parted. It was magical. Or something like that...


If you have not caught on yet, Claire and I did find time to meet Poop and Boogies (William) for breakfast last Friday morning. We drove out to the burbs and met him at a breakfast joint. We had a great time. I did feel bad that we "bogarted" the poor waitress' table for 2 1/2 hours, but there was a lot of catching up to do.

It was weird meeting a "character" from a blog. Poop and Boogies has been a regular stop for me over the past year and, much like a good TV show, I have become invested in their lives. I know they are not real, but I like to see what Maxfield is up to, how Wyatt is doing and what Lauren has made this week.

So when we met up with William, it was sorta like meeting a character from ER or bumping into one of the Top Chef's. You know way more than you should about a person you have never really met.

But it was cool. We had a good time. It really was like meeting an old friend.


No Mom, I don't make a habit of meeting strange men I meet on the Internet.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Woe is He

Mortify - Spelled Pronunciation [mawr-tuh-fahy] –verb (used with object) to humiliate or shame, as by injury to one's pride or self-respect.


David Copperfield's show is pretty good. Some of his tricks are hokey...others are pretty amazing. I still think seeing Mystere or Beatles Love is a better choice, but we enjoyed the show...probably more so because of a poor young lady that may or may not have been sitting near me.

See, Mr. Copperfield has this thing about making sure people are picked at random from the audience...he takes a Frisbee, throws it in the air and whoever catches it is the person who is picked.

So when this guy (that I may or may not have known) caught it, he was very happy to help. He caught the Frisbee, stood on the table and anxiously awaited Mr. Copperfield's questions.

"Pick two numbers" the magician said.
"51 and 23" the strapping, Nordic man, that may or may not be dating my sister said.
"51 is too high" Mr. Copperfield yelled back.
"How about 50" the excited man-child said into the microphone that had been thrust into his face.
"That works. Now, when was the last time you 'got busy'?"

Blank stare. Color, gone. Mouth agape.

The beautiful woman sitting next to him, not literally, but she wanted to. She curled up into a little ball and hid her face. She may or may not have been sitting next to a beautiful woman that may or may not have been her mom.

The magician was relentless..."Dude, when was the last time you had es-ee-ex? And NOT WITH YOUR SELF!"

The dude stood there for what seemed like 5 minutes. Wheels turning. 'How the heck do I get out of this one' was written on his face. I think he may have peed his pants a little.

The people he was with were in hysterics...tears flowing from laughing so hard...maybe not the motherly figure sitting next to the beautiful, but beet red young woman that was probably her daughter, but everyone else was able to cross "laugh until I cry" off of their bucket list.

"C'mon man, there is another show after this...I need an answer. When was the last time you got some?"

This suddenly shrinking man looks down as this girlfriend and she shakes her head up and down in resignation...

A deep breath and a cock of the head for courage..."Sixteen hours ago sir!"


This really cool guy, who may or may not be dating my sister, had gotten stung. In front of, who I think was the girls parents, 3 1/2 sisters (the engaged brother's woman counts 1/2 until the wedding), brother-in-law and big brother, he had to talk about something very intimate.

"Sixteen Hours Sir"...three nondescript words that will forever link him to this random family that I may or may not know.


He could have "suddenly" had to go to the bathroom...he could have crowd surfed right out of the theater...he could have just fainted...he did none of those things, though I do think he died a little inside.


Oh, my story is not over, David Copperfield did not let it rest...this poor guy got called down to the stage where he was a constant butt of jokes. Mr. Copperfield had pulled out a couple of pillars for his next trick.

"Now, get on your knees like you were 16-hours ago" he said...

"Hug that thing like you were hugging your woman last night" the magician barked...


At least we, no, scratch least the group of people that he was with knows he is a strong willed man, willing to endure pain for his woman...I saw that group just a little bit during the rest of the trip. They were laughing and having fun. They loved each other like a big family should. Sure, there were the requisite jokes:

"I would like to order SIXTEEN shrimp."
"Did you know that the elevator is SIXTEEN steps from the ice machine?"
"I am so full. I feel like I gained SIXTEEN pounds."

I even saw them flashing gang signs at each looked like they were holding up sixteen fingers.


That is a family I could be a part of.