All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From a Fish Monger

Thought I would try something new last night...make my own sushi. I know, adventurous and daring...that's how I roll.

Anyway, so we go to this fish market just before closing (Mistake #1). The fish counter has been put away and the fish monger does not speak English. He directs me to the front...scurry back up front, grab the woman at the check-out stand and ask for Tuna and Salmon, cause I am intent on making my own sushi (Mistake #2)...The store is out of salmon, but the Tuna steak looks great. Then I realize it is frozen...hmmm, what to do. Eh, close enough, I will take the Tuna. (Mistake #3) Do you have any Snapper? Lot's of discussion, 2 different fillets, and finally she pulls out something that sorta looks like Snapper (Potential Mistake!!!).

She starts to weigh it, the Monger starts pointing at the fillet and shaking his head...they got into yet another deep discussion about the fish. I really have no clue what they said, but they kept pointing to the middle of the fish and arguing. After the back-and-forth, the monger storms off, mumbling something under his breath, and shaking his head. The lady from the front counter smiles at us and began to weigh the fish, wrapping it for us to take.

This is when I realized that I had a choice to make. Take the fish, despite the look of pity and disgust I just got from Mr. Fish Monger and just chance it...or politely say no thank you and go get something else.

I waived her off and said no thank you, I do not want your rotting fish.

Now a dilemma. The front register lady says "No charge. You can have this fillet for free."

Not that long ago, I would have smiled, taken the free fish, skipped all the way home thinking I had won the lottery and eaten it like a ravenous beast. I mean, an entire Snapper Steak, FOR FREE. Bonus. Score. God must be smiling on me.

However, I realized at that moment, that I am officially old and wise. I was able to discern what seemingly was a gift from God vs. the poison of the devil. It was an evil offer, clearly designed by Satan himself to suck the life out of me.

Heck no, I am not going to take old fish that the monger does not want to sell...even if it is free. Who knows what kind of trichinosis type of disease I would end up with. Can you imagine the mess?

I told her no thank you, she insisted, we ran away.

The moral of this story...making sushi at home is great, but when a very polite register lady offers you rotting old snapper, you run. I don't care if it is free. Run. This is like strapping a jet engine to your car...9 kinds of crazy and only death can result. Just trust me on this one.

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I feel like I need to clear something up. It has become evident that I have friends and family with a dirty mind. So, it is with some trepidation that I fully explain the post regarding Monty Python and the hand massage.

I thought that would be a very safe way to describe the fact that the woman that I am completely smitten with treated me to a great movie and...uhhhh....well....hmmm...how do you say....I don't think I can even spell it...uhhhh...ok ok...

A Manicure.

My nails look great, okay. I feel pretty. And there is nothing wrong with a man getting a manicure these days. We like to be pampered too.

So clean up your dirty minds. You make me sick. And I don't want any guff from any of you about my pretty hands.