This Blog Post is Rated PG-13

No, really, it is.

If you would not watch a PG-13 movie, you should not read on...if you choose to, do so at your own peril. If you prefer not to go on, here is a link you can enjoy.

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Okay, those of you still with me...

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So I took a shower today. A normal event.

I am traveling and did not bring soap, shampoo or shaving cream. Also, a normal event.

I used the "body wash" that was in the shower...I prefer my Lever 2000 bar, but I got clean.

I used the shampoo that was in the shower...it was fine. I like to smell pretty.

I then needed to shave. Usually, if I don't have shave cream, I just use conditioner. It works well and keeps my pretty face, soft and supple.

Today, in the shower, there was shave cream. It was not manly and not because of the aroma.

No, the shave cream had a very...uh hem...interesting name...

Coochy.

Digest that for a moment.

Coochy.

I don't think I had said that word since I was 16.

Coochy.

And I put that on my face to shave with.

Coochy.

Really? Is that the best name? I mean, it does say rash free body wash for "All Over", but really, what is is for?

No, don't answer that.

I am just troubled that I put Coochy on my face to shave with.

I think my life is complete...or my political career is over...one or the other.

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If you don't know what Coochy is slang for, just think of a girls "who-ha"...now you got it.

Proverbs 31:10-12

Nothing like having your cell phone die when you are 1500 miles from home.

And that sucker is dead. Even the tech guys at Verizon could not get it to turn on.

Claire really wants an iPhone. I really don't have good feelings about AT&T.

But, one of my life motto's is:

Happy Wife, Happy Life

You can also translate that to "What my baby want, my baby get".

So, unless there is something new and exciting for Verizon customers, I think I will be porting over to AT&T fairly soon...and my amazing wife will have her new toy.

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Which leaves me with few options for a temporary phone. I am trying to find a used one to borrow for the next 2 weeks while I am traveling. I really don't want to buy a Verizon phone if I am just moving services in a couple of weeks...

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If she gets a new toy, I think I get a new toy.

Claire gets an iPhone. Bogart gets a 52 inch flat screen.

I think that is fair.

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Traveling is the word of the month for me...I was 1500 miles away from home yesterday...I flew out in the AM and flew home later that night. For a 4 hour stay. Long day.

I travel tomorrow across the country for some work and R&R...will be flying back next Wednesday, only to leave again Thursday for a New Orleans trip.

Can you see why I just want a loaner phone?

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Still looking for tear-away pants for our official weigh-in. I think J in L-Towne would love me to walk up to the scale, tear my pants off and get weighed wearing only my speedo...it sounds like the perfect son-in-law thing to do!

We Win...We Are Wieners

Claire and I were big Wieners on Saturday over at Wonderful World of Weiners. What did we win? How about a boat load of camping equipment...(Pictures here, about 1/3rd of the way down)

Folding Chopsticks
Gator Machete
Crucial Multitool
My-Ti Folding Fork/Spoon
Remix Knife
Omnimore Flashlight
Lamplight 360
Brewfire Dual-Fuel Coffee Maker
Profile Duo Range Grill and Stove
Helios Stormproof Lighter
Vapor Cookset
Solo 3.4 Power outlet

Now we will be camping and tailgating in style!!!

Thanks you Hallie!!!

Locks of Yuk

I was listening to NPR yesterday as I drove to the HS Volleyball tryouts (I am coaching again)...they had a weird show that had a guy act as if he is Thomas Jefferson and answers questions about his life. It is a very strange show that has a very strange appeal.

Anyway, the interviewer asked him "If Monticello was going up in flames, what 5 things would you grab?"

He started with his collections of 7000 books. Really?

Then he talked about his 5 journals.

Then he creeped me out. He told the story about his wife dying. Just before she passed away, she wrote out a poem that she knew, leaving the last line blank and then dying. So, TJ finished writing the poem out and took a lock of her hair; he put them both in an envelope and hid it in a secret drawer. He said that would be one of the things that he went into the towering inferno to get back.

I understand some sentimentality about the poem, but the hair thing is just wrong. I then realized that I even get creeped out looking at Claire's baby book and the lock of hair that is in there. I am uncomfortable seeing any lock of hair that people keep for whatever reason.

This discomfort includes the Locks of Love chairity. I love the charity. It is so cool. I just don't want to see that clump-o-hair in the ziplock.

Is it just me or does the idea of a lock of hair creep you out too?

I Can Lift Weights in Prison

This guy has continued his music...recently adding a synthesizer and a microphone. Now he has the steel drums, the keyboard and faux back-up singers. Oh my goodness I am getting tired of hearing him 6-days a week.

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The Weight Loss Challenge is going well. The gym has been visited 3-days a week and, outside of communion on Sunday and a certain soccer game last week, I have not touched bread since we left New Orleans.

It will be fun to roll around in all those twenty's like I just hit the jackpot in Vegas!

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Anyone know where I can get some cool, tear-away pants for the official weigh-in?

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Saturday Claire and I cleaned the house, went to Costco and did misc. chores...yet we had a great day. How cool is that?

Sunday we went to church, spent a few hours at the beach and had a seafood extravaganza at Jon and Lisa's house. Great way to end the weekend!

Catching Crabs

Two weeks ago, Claire and I went up to Ocean City, MD to visit our friend Kelly, her two kids and some of her other extended family. It was a wonderful trip, full of good food, good times and great people.

We made sure to have a dinner full of MD Crabs...they were nice and big...just the way we like them.

The house was right on the water (bay side) and we had a great time diving off of the dock, watching beautiful sunsets and stunning lightening.

Man of Steel

Ever have one of those moments when you are sitting, all alone and you do something really stupid? You know, one of those moments that you look around just to make sure you really are alone so that no one saw it?

Yeah, me neither.

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I got to say, travel does not make trying to avoid sugar, fruit and carb's very easy. They are everywhere.

At least at home, I can not buy the bread or pick up some sugar-free jello. On the road, there is little I can do.

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Why am I avoiding those things you ask? Well, cause this guy (the groom) and I were teasing each other a couple of weeks ago. I think he was calling me tubby and I was calling him chubby...or maybe it was fatty and jiggly. Or maybe it was both.

Anyway, I told him that I was going to come back to Louisiana in 6 weeks and I was going to be looking better and have lost more weight than him...Kyle, never being one to back down from a challenge, accepted.

Claire heard about this and wanted a piece of the action. Then Sarah (the bride above and Claire's baby sister) wanted in. Then it was the girl's father. We also drug Pamela (the middle one) and her boy (the candidate) into the fray. Suddenly it was a bet with lots of trash talk going on.

So, on the Friday of Labor day, there will be a weigh in. The person who looses the most weight by body percentage wins $120, second place gets their money back ($20) and last place becomes the drink and food getter.

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Not gonna lie Sarah, I am looking good. No longer jello, more like steel.

My Lady Friend

This weekend Claire and I went to Ocean City Maryland to visit one of her closest friends from College. I will post a few pics later this week, but have been laughing about one incident.

Claire's friend Kelly has a five year-old son Luke. He seems to be a bit smitten with my wife.

Claire was on the back patio, playing with Luke's little sister, Lilly. They were in their swimsuits and Luke had noticed Claire. He turned his head, looked out the window at her, looked back at me and said, "Bogart, I like your lady."

I punched him in the nose.

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I don't condone violence, but he looked at her funny.

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Okay, I may have exaggerated...I may have actually just laughed a good, deep belly laugh.

Dialing Puerto Rico

787...I raised my hands in triumph.

787...not my ideal weight.

787...not just an airplane made by Boeing.

787...not just an area code in Puerto Rico.

Seven Hundred and Eight Seven...I had just won the bet.

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Claire and I were at the car dealership on Saturday, working out the financing portion of our new Subaru Forester. We asked the dealer if he could share our scores.

Claire and I then made a $1 bet that my score would be within 12 points of hers if it mine was lower...I figured it would be lower since if you are born with a dumb stick, you get docked points on your credit...no really, you do. I am the guy, therefore I have a little lower score.

The dealer pulls out his calculator, plugs in the numbers and smiles. He looks at me and says that I got Claire by 32 points...THIRTY TWO POINTS!!!

I might have done the sprinkler in his office. Okay, I did, but I did NOT do the worm, although I was tempted.

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He then dropped the news that I actually lost the bet...it was hers that was higher...as in 819.

787...might be a good credit score

819...is a herculean score.

819...my wife's new nick-name.

819...787...sure they are both good, but one is just a little bit gooder.