This Blog Post is Rated PG-13

No, really, it is.

If you would not watch a PG-13 movie, you should not read on...if you choose to, do so at your own peril. If you prefer not to go on, here is a link you can enjoy.

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Okay, those of you still with me...

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So I took a shower today. A normal event.

I am traveling and did not bring soap, shampoo or shaving cream. Also, a normal event.

I used the "body wash" that was in the shower...I prefer my Lever 2000 bar, but I got clean.

I used the shampoo that was in the shower...it was fine. I like to smell pretty.

I then needed to shave. Usually, if I don't have shave cream, I just use conditioner. It works well and keeps my pretty face, soft and supple.

Today, in the shower, there was shave cream. It was not manly and not because of the aroma.

No, the shave cream had a very...uh hem...interesting name...

Coochy.

Digest that for a moment.

Coochy.

I don't think I had said that word since I was 16.

Coochy.

And I put that on my face to shave with.

Coochy.

Really? Is that the best name? I mean, it does say rash free body wash for "All Over", but really, what is is for?

No, don't answer that.

I am just troubled that I put Coochy on my face to shave with.

I think my life is complete...or my political career is over...one or the other.

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If you don't know what Coochy is slang for, just think of a girls "who-ha"...now you got it.

Proverbs 31:10-12

Nothing like having your cell phone die when you are 1500 miles from home.

And that sucker is dead. Even the tech guys at Verizon could not get it to turn on.

Claire really wants an iPhone. I really don't have good feelings about AT&T.

But, one of my life motto's is:

Happy Wife, Happy Life

You can also translate that to "What my baby want, my baby get".

So, unless there is something new and exciting for Verizon customers, I think I will be porting over to AT&T fairly soon...and my amazing wife will have her new toy.

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Which leaves me with few options for a temporary phone. I am trying to find a used one to borrow for the next 2 weeks while I am traveling. I really don't want to buy a Verizon phone if I am just moving services in a couple of weeks...

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If she gets a new toy, I think I get a new toy.

Claire gets an iPhone. Bogart gets a 52 inch flat screen.

I think that is fair.

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Traveling is the word of the month for me...I was 1500 miles away from home yesterday...I flew out in the AM and flew home later that night. For a 4 hour stay. Long day.

I travel tomorrow across the country for some work and R&R...will be flying back next Wednesday, only to leave again Thursday for a New Orleans trip.

Can you see why I just want a loaner phone?

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Still looking for tear-away pants for our official weigh-in. I think J in L-Towne would love me to walk up to the scale, tear my pants off and get weighed wearing only my speedo...it sounds like the perfect son-in-law thing to do!

We Win...We Are Wieners

Claire and I were big Wieners on Saturday over at Wonderful World of Weiners. What did we win? How about a boat load of camping equipment...(Pictures here, about 1/3rd of the way down)

Folding Chopsticks
Gator Machete
Crucial Multitool
My-Ti Folding Fork/Spoon
Remix Knife
Omnimore Flashlight
Lamplight 360
Brewfire Dual-Fuel Coffee Maker
Profile Duo Range Grill and Stove
Helios Stormproof Lighter
Vapor Cookset
Solo 3.4 Power outlet

Now we will be camping and tailgating in style!!!

Thanks you Hallie!!!

Locks of Yuk

I was listening to NPR yesterday as I drove to the HS Volleyball tryouts (I am coaching again)...they had a weird show that had a guy act as if he is Thomas Jefferson and answers questions about his life. It is a very strange show that has a very strange appeal.

Anyway, the interviewer asked him "If Monticello was going up in flames, what 5 things would you grab?"

He started with his collections of 7000 books. Really?

Then he talked about his 5 journals.

Then he creeped me out. He told the story about his wife dying. Just before she passed away, she wrote out a poem that she knew, leaving the last line blank and then dying. So, TJ finished writing the poem out and took a lock of her hair; he put them both in an envelope and hid it in a secret drawer. He said that would be one of the things that he went into the towering inferno to get back.

I understand some sentimentality about the poem, but the hair thing is just wrong. I then realized that I even get creeped out looking at Claire's baby book and the lock of hair that is in there. I am uncomfortable seeing any lock of hair that people keep for whatever reason.

This discomfort includes the Locks of Love chairity. I love the charity. It is so cool. I just don't want to see that clump-o-hair in the ziplock.

Is it just me or does the idea of a lock of hair creep you out too?

I Can Lift Weights in Prison

This guy has continued his music...recently adding a synthesizer and a microphone. Now he has the steel drums, the keyboard and faux back-up singers. Oh my goodness I am getting tired of hearing him 6-days a week.

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The Weight Loss Challenge is going well. The gym has been visited 3-days a week and, outside of communion on Sunday and a certain soccer game last week, I have not touched bread since we left New Orleans.

It will be fun to roll around in all those twenty's like I just hit the jackpot in Vegas!

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Anyone know where I can get some cool, tear-away pants for the official weigh-in?

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Saturday Claire and I cleaned the house, went to Costco and did misc. chores...yet we had a great day. How cool is that?

Sunday we went to church, spent a few hours at the beach and had a seafood extravaganza at Jon and Lisa's house. Great way to end the weekend!

Catching Crabs

Two weeks ago, Claire and I went up to Ocean City, MD to visit our friend Kelly, her two kids and some of her other extended family. It was a wonderful trip, full of good food, good times and great people.

We made sure to have a dinner full of MD Crabs...they were nice and big...just the way we like them.

The house was right on the water (bay side) and we had a great time diving off of the dock, watching beautiful sunsets and stunning lightening.

Man of Steel

Ever have one of those moments when you are sitting, all alone and you do something really stupid? You know, one of those moments that you look around just to make sure you really are alone so that no one saw it?

Yeah, me neither.

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I got to say, travel does not make trying to avoid sugar, fruit and carb's very easy. They are everywhere.

At least at home, I can not buy the bread or pick up some sugar-free jello. On the road, there is little I can do.

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Why am I avoiding those things you ask? Well, cause this guy (the groom) and I were teasing each other a couple of weeks ago. I think he was calling me tubby and I was calling him chubby...or maybe it was fatty and jiggly. Or maybe it was both.

Anyway, I told him that I was going to come back to Louisiana in 6 weeks and I was going to be looking better and have lost more weight than him...Kyle, never being one to back down from a challenge, accepted.

Claire heard about this and wanted a piece of the action. Then Sarah (the bride above and Claire's baby sister) wanted in. Then it was the girl's father. We also drug Pamela (the middle one) and her boy (the candidate) into the fray. Suddenly it was a bet with lots of trash talk going on.

So, on the Friday of Labor day, there will be a weigh in. The person who looses the most weight by body percentage wins $120, second place gets their money back ($20) and last place becomes the drink and food getter.

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Not gonna lie Sarah, I am looking good. No longer jello, more like steel.

My Lady Friend

This weekend Claire and I went to Ocean City Maryland to visit one of her closest friends from College. I will post a few pics later this week, but have been laughing about one incident.

Claire's friend Kelly has a five year-old son Luke. He seems to be a bit smitten with my wife.

Claire was on the back patio, playing with Luke's little sister, Lilly. They were in their swimsuits and Luke had noticed Claire. He turned his head, looked out the window at her, looked back at me and said, "Bogart, I like your lady."

I punched him in the nose.

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I don't condone violence, but he looked at her funny.

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Okay, I may have exaggerated...I may have actually just laughed a good, deep belly laugh.

Dialing Puerto Rico

787...I raised my hands in triumph.

787...not my ideal weight.

787...not just an airplane made by Boeing.

787...not just an area code in Puerto Rico.

Seven Hundred and Eight Seven...I had just won the bet.

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Claire and I were at the car dealership on Saturday, working out the financing portion of our new Subaru Forester. We asked the dealer if he could share our scores.

Claire and I then made a $1 bet that my score would be within 12 points of hers if it mine was lower...I figured it would be lower since if you are born with a dumb stick, you get docked points on your credit...no really, you do. I am the guy, therefore I have a little lower score.

The dealer pulls out his calculator, plugs in the numbers and smiles. He looks at me and says that I got Claire by 32 points...THIRTY TWO POINTS!!!

I might have done the sprinkler in his office. Okay, I did, but I did NOT do the worm, although I was tempted.

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He then dropped the news that I actually lost the bet...it was hers that was higher...as in 819.

787...might be a good credit score

819...is a herculean score.

819...my wife's new nick-name.

819...787...sure they are both good, but one is just a little bit gooder.

Bad Jokes and Bacon

I picked up some clothes from the cleaners today.

As I was paying, the dude behind the counter says to me:

"I really like your shirts. They are very nice. If they would have fit me, I would have kept them and told you they were lost in the cleaning process."

Blink-Blink

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Loving the new car, but I hesitated to drive it this morning because my clothes smelled like bacon. Normally, bacon is the greatest smell you will get to enjoy during the day, but the thought of ruining the new car smell in the Forester was making me worry about getting in the driver's seat.

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Received my shipment of Bacon Salt today.

'cause everything should taste like bacon!

Claire and I Have a Kid!!

Claire's birthday was yesterday and it was a great day for me!

We had driven up to DC (via a car dealership in Richmond...cash for clunkers worked for me...more on that later this week) to celebrate her birthday. We woke up Sunday morning, ate at a great little French Bakery/Bistro (the same one as July 4, 2008) and went to the National Zoo. Then we took Anthony Bourdain's recommendation and stopped at a fish market to get some fresh crabs. (No William...not that kind of crabs!)

Then we headed off to Nationals' Ballpark to watch the Padres play the Nationals.

While we were at the park, Claire over heard a security guard talking about kids running the bases after the game...her eyes lit up. "I want to go on the field" she says. Problem was, to the best of our knowledge, we don't have kids. But the couple behind us had 3 of them and offered to let us borrow one.

So yea, we ended up on the field.

Happy Birthday to Claire (and yay for me!)

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***UPDATE 11:40am)***

The Calypso Music has started again this morning...he opened with some free form song, but he has added a mike and a louder speaker, so now I get to hear him sing!

To the Bahamas and Beyond

Every day this week I have felt like I am at a Caribbean wedding.

My apartment sits on the Elizabeth River in P-Towne. At the base of my building is a nasty Mexican restaurant. They have hired some guy to come play Calypso Music for 4-6 hours every afternoon.

His repertoire is pretty limited so I have heard steel drum versions of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight", "I'll Be There" and "I Will Always Love You" at least 3 times a day.

I am not sure if I should be sitting on a white sand beach drinking a pina colada or falling in love with my wife all over again.

Horton Drinks a Who

I have only sent one wine back at a restaurant. It was so bad.

No, it had not turned, it was simply bad wine.

Claire and I even confirmed it when we visited the winery and gave the wine a second chance.

Yuk.

A couple of weeks ago, Claire's book club met at our apartment. All the girls get together, bring food and wine and talk about anything other than the book they all agreed to read. Really quite cleaver.

There is always a wee bit of wine left over and occasionally an empty bottle.

That was the case this time.

The next night, we finished the opens and took a closer look at the one left unopened.

It is the same wine we sent back at the restaurant.

Yuk.

New Orleans

We spent the last week in New Orleans for Maw-Maw's funeral. It was a nice celebration of her life and I was blessed to be there.

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We also got to spend some time just hanging out with the family. Quality.

We ate way to much food. Drank way to much friendship juice. Had way to much fun.

It was nice!

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Saw my first gator and water moccasin in the wild. We went out on Sarah/Kyle's boat Sunday morning, pretending we knew how to fish.

2 hours later we headed over to grandaddy's for lunch, picked up some oysters/catfish/boudin for dinner and had a big cookout that night. We also slipped in some time for the remote control airplanes we had bought over at Walmart back during our New Orleans Wedding.

Those things are so cool and way worth the $30 we dropped on them!

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

File this under, It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time:

I tried to be a good husband and bake my wife an angel food cake for her book club Saturday night.

That worked well. Even got them out of the pans without much issue.

Cutting the Angel food sucks, but I finally got it to work.

There were a lot of crumbs on the counter. I LOVE Angel food cake crumbs. They are tiny morsels of goodness.

What was I to do? They could not be thrown away.

But did I, a 33 year old married man with a college degree brush them into a bowl or onto a plate so that I could eat them the right way?

Nope.

I did what any 33 year old, married MAN, with a college degree would do...I stuck my lips to the counter and started inhaling them into my mouth.

It worked well for a min, but then the inhale got a little excited and shot some into my lungs.

I almost died!

I was choking. Alone.

Claire was going to find me on the kitchen floor, my fat body dead because of angel food cake.

Quick, where is a chair I could thrust myself upon? What am I thinking? I can't do that, it would hurt like heck.

Maybe if I run around, the power of the wind would dislodge it.

Or maybe if I drink, I can force water down my trachea and water down the cake.

Wait...I can breathe again.

Whew, that was a close one.

Now, back to sucking the cake off the counter.

Maw-Maw

Claire's grandmother passed away this morning.

She was 94-years old.

Maw-maw was a striking woman with a very kind heart. To the very end, all she wanted to do was to take care of the people around her and make sure they were comfortable.

I am blessed to have been able to spent some time with her over the past couple of years.

She will be missed.

She turned me into a newt...

A sixth sense, ESP, witchcraft or hidden cameras...I am not sure which, but my wife is using one of these...regularly.

How do I know this?

Because at least 3 times a week, she will call me while I am visiting the restroom. Usually within 30-Seconds of the point of no return. She knows I can't get to the phone. She knows I won't be taking the phone in with me.

It happened last Saturday...It happened last Thursday...It happened last Monday.

It happens so frequently I am really beginning to think that she is a witch.

And you all know what we do with witches, right?

Direct Correlation

I have notice that my comfort in Virginia is directly related to the relationships I have developed.

The first 6 months or so were fine, I had this hot chick to be with and had ample travel back to the left coast.

The next 6-8 months were still fine, but I longed to be back home in SoCal.

The most recent couple months have certainly ticked up...Claire and I are married and have a wonderful relationship; I have a buddy to hang with, grab fish taco's and hit the gym with; Claire and I have found two other couples we enjoy being with, a lot; we are getting involved in the leadership of our church; we have discovered that the military beni's that come with Claire's Navy Reserve commitment are rock'n...etc. etc.

This certainly, and in no way, diminishes my desire to be back home in the bosom of my beloved San Diego, but it certainly makes the time away much more enjoyable!

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Claire and I hit the golf course, the driving range, the beach and a load of car dealerships this weekend. Yes, we are in the market.

I figure if the government wants to give me $4500 for my Nissan...the same Nissan I paid $2500 for 2 years ago...who am I to say no?!

We drove the Ford Flex and Edge, the Toyota FJ and the Honda Element. Not sure what we are going to do yet, but it is fun to test drive and dream.

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If you have not had a chance, head over to Poop and Boogies and check out his post about his first car...classic.

Something Stinks

Can someone please explain this sign for me:

Domesticated Man

Do you remember HomeEc class from Jr. High/High School?

I do...I remember how to clean a pot, cook an egg and sew...

In Norway, I proved my love to Claire through my use of HomeEc skillz...

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In College, I sewed an outfit for my girlfriend. I bought fabric, pulled out the sewing machine and went to work. It was a GREAT Christmas present...

I made shorts and a scrunchy (there was left-over fabric)...

I think there was left over fabric because I, UNINTENTIONALLY, made the crotch of the shorts about as thick as an Andes Mint...

Her dad did not think that UNINTENTIONAL mistake was very funny.